Anyone that lives in DC for any amount of time has a squirrel story. I have several including one where I was pickpocketed by one and another that involves the word threesome. I’ll save those for another day.
This weekend, I was walking through the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial when I ran into some very friendly squirrels. Or hungry. It’s usually the latter, but like a lot of people in DC, they’ve learned to mask their true motivations behind a thin veneer of furry charm. My camera phone documents what happened next.
Times like this I wish I had a real camera. You’ll have to forgive the picture quality here since the camera on my phone isn’t that fancy. It doesn’t even have a zoom feature, so these shots were taken pretty close. These squirrels were either very fearless or incredibly vain.
You can see a squirrel trying to sneak up to my artsy shot. We’ll call him Derek.
Trying to steal the show, he assumes the position.
He then realizes that he’s not at the right spot on the wall.
I tell him I’m not feeling it. It’s all about the posture. See?
Too stiff. I tell him to relax.
I point to the lion and tell him that his head isn’t down low enough.
Derek thinks he’s ready to challenge the lion to a walk off, old school rules. First model walks; second model duplicates, then elaborates.
Stoic lion is still stoic even under two feet of snow.
Hours go by. The lion has a limited repertoire, but limitless stamina.
Derek gives me “come hither” but I tell him that this isn’t that kind of photo shoot.
“I think there’s a cramp in my neck”
“Modeling is tiring work. I knew I should have listened to my mother and become a lawyer so I could sue people out of their homes instead of walking the streets selling my dignity for crumbs.”
Bonus Squirrel Facts: The way a squirrel positions itself when it’s near you indicates how comfortable it is with you. When they’re facing away, they’re preparing to bolt. When they face sideways, they’re hedging their bets. Btw, this is a different squirrel. We’ll call him Hansel.
When they face towards you, they don’t perceive you as a threat.
When they get this close, they want a modeling contract.
So our lesson for today kids, is that true art can’t be achieved by copying someone else. Just be yourself. And stay in school and don’t do drugs and stop dancing like Skye & Frida. Knowing is half the battle.
No lions were harmed in the creation of this post.